Manu Ginobili’s Bat-Hunting Skills

Sports
Posted by: Andrew Cross on November 2, 2009
Comment Bubble

Unable to establish a working relationship between man and beast (like the Raiders’ special teams pigeon), a fed up San Antonio Spurs guard Manu Ginobili reminded a bat flying around AT&T Center Saturday night that it was not in the current lineup and needed to GTFO.  Not much is known about the bat itself, except that it marks the first time* an NBA game has been delayed due to a bat playing the 6th man of a box-and-one zone.  Is it just coincidence then, that the bat chose to take part in the Spurs’ Halloween home game?  It seems pretty obvious to me.  That was definitely no bat.  It was a stone cold vampire!

Manu knocked out that little rodent with such skill, I was tempted to double-check his NBA profile to make sure that Ginobili wasn’s just a nickname disguising his birth-name of Manu Van Helsing!  Despite his lack of an established vampire-killing name, I can only assume that his Argentinian upbringing gives him some super-vampire-hunting-skills that us Americans just don’t have.  After recognizing this fact, I took the time to compile a list for him of several more annoying vampires that I wouldn’t mind if he “took care of” next.

I feel like my hands are tied here.  I pretty much have to hand the man 5 X‘s for his effort.  His bat-hunting technique was close to flawless, though as professional entertainer, he should’ve gone a little Ozzy Osbourne-esque and bit the head off the bat, right at the free throw line.  PETA would’ve gone even more crazy than they already did, and that would’ve earned Manu full marks.

*completely uncited

XXXXX
Tagged as: • • • •

Ted Rising for Heisman

University of Kansas
Posted by: Billy Falcioni on October 30, 2009
Comment Bubble

tedrising

University of Kansas quarterback Ted Rising is a man who makes the bigger men around him look like littler men.

For the past two seasons he has absolutely dominated the Big XII, easily leading it in passing yards, rushing homedowns, field goals, and three pointers.  His generosity on the field is unmatched, and he has led his teammates to many conference records.  His top two receivers, Kerry Meier and Dezmon Briscoe, rank 2nd and 3rd in all-time Big XII receptions.  They trail only the 1st place holder, Ted Rising.

His generosity on the field doesn’t stop at his teammates.  In 2007, despite beating him in every single category, Ted Rising willingly gave the Heisman Trophy to University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow.  A year later, he again gave away the Heisman, sending it to Oklahoma quarterback Sam Bradford.  Ted Rising was sure to step out of the spotlight both times, and would take measures to make the award winners’ deservingness look authentic.  There were many games where Ted Rising would edit live game film while simultaneously playing the quarterback position in order to make his own performance look poorer.

Ted Rising is more than just a passer, though.  He is widely known for being extremely elusive in the backfield and it is rumored that he can only be caught when he wants to be.  Evidence supports this theory, as the only person who ever sacked Ted Rising was himself.

There is no mistaking that he is of Heisman caliber, especially since he’s won it twice already.  But this year, something must change. It is our professional opinion that he should be selfless and keep the award.  Ted Rising is the paragon of what an athlete should be.  When he steps foot onto the field, he plays not for the name on the back of his jersey, but for the name on the front of it!   He gives so much to the University of Kansas each time he dons that crimson and blue jersey with the number five cleanly stitched onto the back.  It is time for us, as the classiest fans in the Big XII, who would never tear down three goal posts in one season, to repay him.

The next time you are watching the Kansas Jayhawks play, whether it is in person or on a television set, and you see Ted Rising score a homedown from center ice, be sure to let him know of your appreciation.  Bellow his name at the top of your lungs in a bestial roar.

“TED RISING!!!”

Only then will he finally realize that he needs to let himself be known as a three-time Heisman Trophy winner.

Ted Rising for Heisman.

XXXXX
Tagged as: • •

Thesnuggiesutra.com

Blogs
Posted by: Will Snider on October 26, 2009
Comment Bubble

cuddly_puppy

“Sex is fun.  Blankets are a pain in the ass,” states thesnuggiesutra.com website.  If you own a snuggie, this is definitely a site you should be interested in.  The site is devoted to illustrating sexual positions that are both erotic and warm.  The snuggie has become the solution to having sex and avoiding a chill, and TSS is here to show you how to do so.  From “The Papoose” to “The Pigs in a Blanket,” all of the traditional sexual positions and more have been revisited by TSS to add an extra level of excitement to sex and snuggie use.

The site is a scrolling list formatted with a large, cleverly named titles, helpful illustrations, and a very brief descriptions.  Each individual activity has its own comment archive where snuggie owners and snuggie sutra users can discuss what they like and dislike about each.  Holly, a TSS customer, has claimed, “WOW!! I’m going out to buy a snuggie today. I got business that needs taken care of!” after reading about “The Night In” position.

If I were giving a review of the snuggie itself, it’d be lucky to get 3 X’s, but TSS has embraced the snuggie and learned to deal with its ridiculousness, and found a whole new use for it and fell just short of a full 5 X’s.  Its only flaw is that I still feel the snuggie is basically an oversized robe and for that I couldn’t give it the full award the site deserves.

I will however recommend this site to everyone I ever come in contact with that is an owner of a snuggie and think TSS will soon become a popular theme for swingers parties and orgies.  Buy stock in snuggies now, because when the pervs get a hold of this site, snuggie sales are going to soar!

XXXXX
Tagged as: • • •

An Oral History of the Zombie War

Books
Posted by: Andrew Cross on October 13, 2009
Comment Bubble

World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War

Having not really read a book since high school, I decided it was time to discover if I had become illiterate.  I was smart about it though.  I wasn’t about to jump into reading anything too challenging and run the risk of destroying my self-confidence.  Walking around Borders, judging each book by its cover, the blood splatters (and 50% off sticker) on World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War caught my eye.  As a New York Times Bestseller, it seemed like a safe read at just under 1 inch thick and 342 pages long.

The first thing to note is that it’s not written like a “traditional” book.  There are no chapters, no main characters, and no fluent storyline.  Instead, it’s written as a collection of futuristic interviews with fictional people that survived the zombie infection.  At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about this method of story telling, but by the end I realized that it is an absolutely perfect way to write a story about such a seemingly implausible apocalypse.  Max Brooks‘ technique of leaving gaps between the events in interviews allows the reader to use his imagination to piece together his own story, thus scaring the hell out of himself.

By the middle of the book, the authentic and emotional feel of the interviews begins to confuse those with active imaginations into believing this isn’t exactly a fictional story.  It’s been about a week since I finished reading through it, and I am seriously now more worried about a zombie infestation than a nuclear holocaust.  Brad Pitt must have felt the same way, his production company is producing screen-adapted version of the book.

XXXXX
Tagged as: • • •

Michael Crabtree’s Hold-out Strategy

Sports
Posted by: Andrew Cross on October 7, 2009
Comment Bubble

crabtree

The hot news this morning is that Michael Crabtree, the 49ers talented 10th overall pick from this past year, has finally agreed to a deal!  Reportedly, it’s a 6 year deal, though the financial specifics have yet to be released.  You read that correctly, he finally signed a contract – 4 weeks into the NFL schedule!  That sort of timing is a little unorthodox, but I can’t help but think it was a beautifully crafted strategic plan by Crabtree and his cousin-turned-agent Eugene Parker to completely avoid being around Brett Favre during the 49er’s week 3 match up with the Minnesota Vikings.  Trust me, not even (prospective) NFL players like that guy.

After the April 29th draft, Crabtree and Parker opened negotiations with the 49ers by referencing mock draft projections and insisting that Crabtree’s mock-draft ranking entitled him to a higher paid contract than the Raider’s 7th overall pick Darrius Heyward-Bey.  This isn’t typically how professional agents negotiate, which led me to wonder if Crabtree had simply hired Parker for his prowess at fantasy football.  Parker seems like that guy in your fantasy football league that way overvalues Tony Romo because “ESPN ranked him as a top 5 QB this year.”

Despite this unprofessional start to the negotiations, I really liked what Crabtree and Parker did.  They gave Crabtree more than enough time to completely recover from the stress fracture in his foot, and managed to give him a relaxing summer break.  They knew what kind of personnel the Niners had and just wanted to wait long enough for them to realize that they really need him on the field wearing crimson and gold.  To date, the 49ers rank 28th in total offense and passing yards, and none of their receivers rank in the league’s top 50 in terms of receptions.

In the end, was holding out so long really necessary? Yes, I do believe so. After all, yesterday was the first day that M.C. Hammer was available to help out with discussions.

XXXXX
Tagged as: • • • •