Fuck-Up Stickers

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Consider Ohio State, Florida State, and Georgia.

These three college football programs share a common bond besides their uncanny abilities to be perennially overrated.

If you are ever unfortunate enough to watch a contest of grit on the gridiron between any of these schools and their opponents – or, God forbid, between two of the three – then you would bear witness to the single greatest folly in the entire world of sports.

Yes, that’s even still considering you, futbol.

Attached to the super overinflated heads of these “student”-athletes is constant reminder of how awesome quarterbacks, halfbacks, and wide receivers are and how incomprehensibly worthless linemen and those skinny white guys (read: kickers and punters) can so perfectly be.  Well, it’s about time everyone found out what I’ve known all along.

Pride Stickers are stupid.

I would go into a detailed argument, covering all premises and steering clear of any fallacies, but I’ve decided to spare you the barrage of syllogisms.  Instead, please accept this picture of Pride Stickers being enjoyed thoroughly by a bunch of Mormons as proof of my previous statement.


If there is one principle which every man from every faith can embrace, it is that if the Mormons like it, it must be badEven the Mormons believe this.

So, pray tell, what is the antidote to this plague on my precious pigskin? I introduce to you Fuck-Up Stickers.

I am adamantly in favor of a system which publicly points out the flaws of these high profile college students.  Humility does not come in a more sobering form than public embarrassment.  Instead of receiving a sticker for making an outstanding play, I propose a system that rewards failure with stickers that emphasize the fact that a player has made mistakes that will not be accepted.  Since these players are getting paid under the table anyways, I do not think it is too unreasonable to ask them not to fuck up, even if it is in such a way that could be viewed as a metaphorical exclamation mark.

The system is simple.

If a player does something wrong, they receive one Fuck-Up Sticker.  These faults can include penalties, dropped passes, missed blocks, or anything else a coach would really like point out as being important not to do in the future.  Once a player has accumulated a sum of these stickers, the only way to get rid of them is to play fundamental team football.  The amount of stickers removed and for what is left up to the coach’s discretion.

Picture this:

A college football team is seconds away from taking the field.  As the players are huddled in the tunnels waiting to run the Cheerleader’s Gauntlet of Death, they are all on a search to find the most sticker ridden helmets in order to give words of encouragement to their most struggling teammates.

“Pay close attention the snap count changes. Catch the ball first, then turn and run with it.  Keep the ball to the outside.”

Now, imagine the overwhelming motivation a player would receive from looking at his own helmet and seeing 15 Fuck-Up Stickers.  He would remember what he has done wrong in the past and would realize how important fundamentals are in the game of football. Thoughts of teamwork would echo inside of his head, and as he took the field being welcomed by the roar of his home team crowd, one thought would linger.

“Man, I really gotta quit fucking up!”