Hyvee Gem Grip Firm Toothbrush

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This past weekend I found myself away from home and toothbrush-less. Of course, I did what anyone would do: I  didn’t brush my teeth for two days. By the time Sunday rolled around though, my mouth taste like Coors Light and Taco Bell (it doesn’t matter what exactly, their menu’s all the same anyway) and I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I headed toward the closest superstore, in this case Hyvee, and scouted out the aptly named ‘Mouth Care’ isle. I’d already decided that not even the presence of an onlooking Megan Fox would make me splurge on anything but the cheapest toothbrush, so it was with little fanfare that I decided to go with the Hyvee Gem Grip Firm Toothbrush. At $.97 it was the cheapest one around by only about $.20, which prompted me to wonder; Why the Hell did Hyvee decide enter the off-brand toothbrush market? People buy cigarettes and cereal way more often than toothbrushes, and yet I don’t see Hyvee Filtered Lights near the checkout isle? Whatever their angle is, it worked. I bought one.

How many expectations can you have for a toothbrush? Two? It’s got to have bristles and be long enough to reach the back of your mouth, and that’s about it. In that sense, this is an excellent toothbrush. On the other hand, I quickly realized that I’ve been spoiled by the (always blue) Colgate toothbrush I get from dentist every 6-8 months. It may sound strange, but the angles on this things felt very weird in and around my mouth. The handle was thicker than it needed to be, combined with the very rectangular cross section, made it difficult for me to get my lips around it as I struggled to keep a frothy combination of toothpaste and saliva in my mouth for the whole requisite minute my dentist recommends I brush for.

This certainly isn’t an everyday toothbrush to keep in your bathroom. For one, it’s not ADA approved, and sitting by your sink in all its boringly white glory, it’s not going to impress the ladies that are into those sorts of things. This toothbrush is the kind you buy when you need a quick brushing, then stash it away in your glove box to use the next time you detail the air conditioning vents in your Prius.

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Certain Dri

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I don’t know what it’s like where you live, but here in Kansas the heat index has been steadily over 100. No, I don’t go outside much, but even thinking about leaving my luxurious, air-conditioned, apartment makes my armpits start pouring sweat.

At a friend’s suggestion, I thought I’d give Certain Dri (not to be confused with Certain Dry) antiperspirant a shot at keeping my underarms dry. I was able to find a stick of it at my local Target on sale for $3.99, though it normally runs for $4.99.

I’ve been using deodorant/antiperspirant now for about 10 years, so at first I laughed at my friend’s suggestion to read the instructions before I used it, but as it turns out I’m glad I did. The instructions in the box said to apply it only at night before going to bed, then use your normal deodorant/antiperspirant in the morning. It’s a good thing I didn’t  go ahead and wear this stuff to a pick-up game, ’cause I wouldn’t have impressed anyone running up and down the court smelling like lavender. Seriously, this stuff straight up smells like one of those crazy ladies that LIVE to run their booth at the flea market. Whoever makes this stuff needs to come up with a new scent for the dudes ASAP.

Other than the fruity old-womanly scent, I have pretty good things to report about Certain Dri. It’s kept me decently “dri” the last couple of days, including a usually stressful trip to casino and an all-night bar hopping adventure in a long sleeved shirt. I’ll probably keep buying and using the stuff, but I’m thinking about emailing the company and letting them know I’m interested in a much more manly “Diesel fuel, cut grass, and cigar” scent.